Hibernation

I’m not quite sure who I should tell you about now. I guess it’s getting so close to the time when you’ll be here with us that I really should introduce the main characters in this little production we call a family! I don’t know that it’s needed though – I mean I started this here to tell you about all the people who would be a part of your life so that one day when we looked back you could see who was around when you were born. What was going on and what was important to us. That it might be interesting to look back one day – but mostly, and more importantly so that I could talk to you. I suppose that was the main purpose. I’ve not been here before…. Not been in this role. I am expecting the birth of my first son, the third child in our family – but I am not carrying him inside me. That’s a different spot for me to be in you see, and so in an attempt to connect with you – to do something on a regular basis that might start our bonding process I started this journal. You’ve met my dad PJ and Andy… Fabe and Gab… there’s so many other people in our life it feels a bit overwhelming…. Maybe that’s why I feel so stuck. I feel overwhelmed by our family in its entirety. There doesn’t seem to be enough time in the week to see everyone we are supposed to. All these people that love and adore you already – and who want to see us – and I feel myself turning inward and wanting to just hibernate and wait it out, protect and prepare ourselves for your arrival… some kind of maternal instinct is kicking in and I want to conserve energy and fluff the nest… Perhaps that’s the thing. My urge to turn into a recluse and just stay home with your mama and our girls – not call anyone, not see anyone – it’s a preparation for you. Making sure we are strong and well and prepared. This is my role.

What do I want to tell you before you get here? What do I want you to know?

You probably already are tuned to the flux of our lives. The chaos of our week with the girls, and the calm of our week alone. “Mama week” your mama calls it… the weeks that we are in our house without the girls – just the mamas by themselves. I’m sure already that you have noticed the noise level, the busy-ness and the rush when they are around.. the house feels full – of people, of life, of energy. These are the weeks that rush past – when we close our eyes at night we sleep more deeply, and for less hours. The washing basket fills up at an alarming pace. Everything is coloured with crayons – laughter, tears, playtime. There is routine…. Morning, afternoon and evenings pass in similar fashion. Dinner, stories, teeth, songs and bed….. breakfast, teeth, uniforms, hairs and school….. we sing songs to you, you kick during the stories… you sleep when the girls sleep. You are part of our daily life already. You know these movements, you walk through these hours with us. You have started your own routines. 10pm you wake up and play… You will help define our weeks soon. Mama weeks pass slower – we sleep more, and spend less time in our house – it’s quieter, obviously, so we escape more often in search of the fullness, and laughter that seems to be missing.

Your mama makes me laugh. She makes me laugh in so many ways. There’s silly laughs, and pun laughs, there’s how embarrassment laughing, and total utter belly laughs. She laughs at me laughing… she tickles, and has learnt how to wrestle… I think the most common thing I say to her – apart from I love you – is you’re funny… because she is. She tells funny stories – she makes my eyes crinkle up and tears come out. We have such fun together. And I mean like good old fashioned “boy wasn’t that fun” kind of fun. We are still going out on dates – lunch dates, dinner dates, movie dates… we used to go to the drive in all the time till they pulled it down. She drives me to work when she can because she says she misses me too much once I leave for work… we are undeniably disgustingly in love. We are in love with each other and we are in love with our family… we spend a good deal of time talking about how wonderful our family is. And we always knew we’d want it to be bigger – always. From almost the moment we fell in love you were pending in our lives. We danced so close and your mama said “I want to have babies with you” and I smiled and held her and we knew you would by with us – one day. And that one day is almost here…. And there’s so much more to tell you….